azuldream's Blog

 
The voice you think is mine; it’s not my voice,
The smile, the bright in my eyes is where you can find me…
Look for me in the night where the moon touch the water,
Look for me in the silence where I disappear,
Look for me in the music where I dance that crazy love dance…
Just look for me…
Don’t forget me,
Don’t allow me to lose that dream, where I wake up in your arms forever…
Hold me, hold me now…
And when the sun comes and finds us together,
A new song will have been born from our love.

In the silence of the night your voice reaches me, and my body shakes,
And I wait; I wait in the darkness for that touch so familiar… so warm…
While my skin tremble with the anticipation of your lips…
In the silence of the night I lose myself like in a dream
Where feelings become so intense, so wild… and I surrender, my will is your will,
My voice is a whisper begging you for more…
And the world disappears, and I can only feel you, smell you, taste you,
In the silence of this night I drink the sage of love that awakes in your body,
I drink every little bit of you… and I want more and you want more…
And our bed becomes the world, and your arms become my home…
 
I use to wait for these nights, where the silence of your love becomes the sound of my voice…

Once again you told me about your big love, your big hate,
Your incredible life… And I am seating here smiling…
 
What is life? Is it to be born; is it love, laugh? Is it to die?
When years pass and I am no longer part of this world,
And my friends find my old pictures,
Will they know how I felt; will they understand who I was?
And will all that matter?
And now… will you love me if I kiss you?
Will you love me if I try?
If I whisper your name every night,
Will you care if I strive?
 
When my life and days are over,
I want to feel still that kiss that lives in your smile.
I want to remember your touch,
I want to remember your laugh.
I want to know that I learned
Of the shadows beneath your shadow,
Of the tears underneath your laugh,
I want to feel that I lived,
I want to know that I cried.
 
When my life and days are over,
I want to know who I was…
 
 
 

I am thankful to this site... it is really good to be able to put your thoughts somewhere, when you are feeling really lonely... even if anybody read it, I still feel I am writing to a friend that knows me exactly with all my imperfections, doubts and mistakes... and doesn't care, or judge me, or love me less for the way I am... then I can be myself... then the lonelyness is not that heavy...
I am tired of being alone.

What it is in your mind nor even you can understand,

you love me, you love me not... over and over,

you keep pulling shamelessly the petals of that flower...

you love me, but you love me not...

 

and while you say you want me back, then you abandon me again,

yes, yes... I know, you love me, and you love me no more,

now guess what: I loved you, I don't love you anymore...


 

hey this is not with you guys, if you read this... clarifying just in case, hahahaha... i just cannot sleep tonight yet... I wish I could really write... good that anybody here judge, haha...

 

...I am seating at your door... waiting,

the city sleeps, and in the distance I can hear the lonely dog's bark.

The time to dream is over... keep waiting,

says a melody, caressing dancing trees across the park.

 

Old times the time swallowed, old memories... all of them so sad,

of a time I was afraid of living, of a time that hurt me so bad...

 

when i think i am still at your door, waiting,

still seating here when I don't even know who you are,

it makes me question what I am expecting,

why I allowed my dreams to take me this far.

 

the time to cry is over... says the bard, now it comes the time to survive,

the time to love, to sing, to dance... now it comes the time to try.

 

My love is not dead, says the poet, I want it to live, I don't want it to dye,

my love is deep, is like the ocean, my love is blue, is clear, I want it to shine;

and when the time to fear is over, I still want to be here, I want to be sharp,

to be like the trees, offering shadow, while dancing old melodies across this park.

 

 

Who is who, that judge... then don't judge me, please, don't...

When unforeseen friends come knocking on my heart,

and the strength is gone, and the soul hurts,

don't judge me then...

...If I can't what you can, If am not when you are,

If the amazing time opens its curtains of love to your pass,

while behind my steps everything looks so dark,

...don't judge me... please

...You won't judge me

if when the time comes to whisper our thoughts,

I scream in pain,

if your waters are shallow and blue, and mine are deep and dark,

don't judge me because I am still here, I still love,

and my heart is still singing the songs that my voice can't...

Don't judge me if I have failed you,

because I really tried...

Are we really aware about the world around us? About the effect that small things we use to do in our day to day life have in the world? Something not good have been happening for a while… Do we have time to fix it? I read the news about the high amount of sardines dead because of a neurotoxin in their system, a very few weeks ago inexplicable high amount of dolphins dead or dying in the beach of some country, not long before than that hundreds of bees falling dead from the sky, and before hundreds of birds falling dead in different and distant countries… the news give explanations to some of these cases… but not well enough… to learn about it is just a question of searching the information in Google… disasters are going on in the world, some for the direct action of men, and some as consequence of those actions… Are we just witnessing passively how we killed our world? At times mistakes can be repaired, do we have time to repair our mistakes? You read in the news or listen to friends talking about groups of people building cities in specific places of our continents that have special characteristics to resist natural disasters, rich people of course, and such cities limited to provide refuge to a small number of these rich people… The thing is I want to live… but I want my family, my friends, my dog, the people I know, AND the people I don’t know, I want them ALL to live… I want our planet to live… the pretty things I have seen, and the things I haven’t… I want all that to exist… and there is no money, or power, or nothing in the world that could be more important than that… Money and power won’t matter if the people we love, if we disappear… Are we aware????????????????????

Feeling lonely… as usual lately… sleepless and lonely… what to do when you have the world around you and you feel still alone, when you want to share, when so many people want to share, and you are still alone…?

And what to do when you think about love and about caring, but there is nobody there to tell…

When everything looks in calm, but there is no calm in the world…

But my sadness is not important when there is so much going on… A thought for all the people of this world that right now are suffering, loosing or dying… A thought that I wish with all my heart could carry them and save them… A thought for the people in pain… A rescuing thought…

“Maybe the happy ending is just… moving on…
 (…) and that, from all endings, you never ever give up.”


:)  

Well…
 
Probably many people will think what I thought myself at some late point… what so fast and so strongly start, is going to be rather soon that disappears… well, not always is like that… but it was in my case…
I don’t like to recreate myself in negativity and self pity; that is not usually my thing… and it’s not going to be my thing now either… I meet this wonderful man, who really show me some love, and I felt very much in love with him… but it turned rather disappointing to the point to make me understand some behaviours of my ex I wasn’t willing to forgive or forget… but now, under a different light, I may not forget, but I may forgive… which is to me the positive outcome of my short-intense love story… I won’t come back to my ex, one love disappointment is not enough to make me hesitate about that… but this experience gave me a different perception of reality, and a new peace of mind… and I become stronger every time more!
My problem, I am too romantic, too honest, and the worse: I love and enjoy giving myself to love and monogamy feelings… I call it: to live life with intensity and passion… lol, that’s great to me… Then, I guess I will continue accumulating sad experiences? Hmm… me not like it, me not like it… hehe…
…Don’t stay confused please; right now I am VERY sad!!!
 
:(  
 
 PS: It’s amazing how many things can happen in just a month!!! Waoo, life sure is short, but so rich!!!!!!!!!
 
:)   

“Things happen in life because we choose to believe.”
 
Quote from the movie “Henry Poole is Here”... I saw it today…
 
I like it, I had to write it here… :)
 
Do you believe that? I wonder…
 

If you find a doubt in you path, if your life turns confuse at times,
And you feel lost… you are not alone…
If people don’t understand you and criticizes the way you live, the way you think,
And you feel lost… you are not the only one…
If you feel you are falling into a deep black whole, and the world is looking down at you,
And you feel scare… it will pass…
To live means to struggle with emotions, difficult and easy times… a lot of feelings…
A lot of people, no matter how lonely we think we are…
But when you can find the little sparkle of the broken glass in the middle of the waste, if you can see the flower that grows proud and alive among garbage… then you too are alive… and living…
Live is worthy… always… it is mysterious, difficult and great…
It’s an adventure to go in and out of hard times…
It’s magic the way we face troubles, and the solutions we encounter…
Are memories the things we live, and most important, they are teachings we can pass along to others…
Be happy to be in this world now, at this hour and time… you don’t know if you will be coming back when you abandon it… absorb in every little breathe the life you have, carry with you the good people you find in your path… pick up laughter and good deeds in your way… pick up love… and give it all back without thinking in how much you need or how much you think you deserve… all will come back to you anyway… and maybe double… just try… you are not alone, and you certainly are not the only one...
 
:) 
 
 

Hello life! Hello shine in my heart…!
Lets allow the breeze of happiness to hit our faces…
Sing with me; dance with me my friend the lovers’ dance,
That I was craving for love and love is knocking on my door…
That I have a life to live and a heart to give…
And I want to share it all with you…
Open the gate for me my dear friend,
That my love is still waiting!
 
:) 

 
When you look at me that way, I drown myself into your soul,
And I see somebody who is like me…
Somebody who knows from life the pain and hardness,
And still have a heart to love the universe and to sing a song…
When I look into your eyes, I see your tenderness,
And So much love to share, to offer…   
…You are so much, so big to my eyes…!
When I hear your voice calling my name, a part of me is smiling…
But there is this little piece of my soul, deep down in my heart,
Aching for how much I miss you…
Then you appear, and I lose the floor under my feet… and I fly…
And there is no time, no past, no future…
Only your eyes looking at me, and your voice calling my name…
 
Because, you see, I love you… I love you in this crazy way
That doesn’t need reasons, doesn’t need logic…
It just happened; it took me by surprise,
And I just give in to your hug and stop caring about tomorrow…
I don’t want to know how much love you have for me,
I want to give you my love…
I want you free, to love and to live…
I want you… and when you come to me,
It will be like two souls flying high to the stars…
 
: ) 

Night, come night knocking on my door, the voice of the wind calling your name…
Lips, hands, kisses… a whisper, and my skin gives in to your will... to your bite, to your touch…
Bodies trembling, shaking, sweating… and I am lost… and I can’t hear, I can’t think… I just can feel you, taste you… smell you… in your arms I become wild, unknown… I become sense and feelings…
I despair under the pressure of your hands, and I want more… and I beg for more…
Love, takes me in your winds, I want to stay forever in the place where I belong… in the nest, between his arms…


PS: Sorry, and remember, my language is not English... : ) but what to do, I am in love!!! lol
 

Love… so mysterious, so big… I love… no… I need to be in love… it’s like to fill your longs with oxygen after being for so long in a close room… is like to have reborn to a new life of senses and feelings… It's so good to feel this way…

Some times when a door close in front of us, others get wide open… the thing is to keep trying, to keep fighting… the thing is to persevere, not to give up… the thing is to believe in yourself… to keep loving, yourself and others… I moved to a new city, after leaving a marriage in which I didn’t had any happiness, I got a job which wasn’t ideal, working like an slave for about 10 hr/day, earning $8.50/hr, not having time to enjoy life or to apply for the jobs I wanted, or the college program I wanted to start… sleeping really bad, and not having energy even to eat when I get home every night… suddenly today I received a call for a job I applied and did the interview over a month ago… it’s so amazing, eh? I totally forgot about it… it is such good news for me… and that’s how life is…
An advice I dare to offer based in personal experience, never close your mind when in difficulties, there are a lot of other possibilities going on around us we just missed for being focus in tiredness and melancholy… too concentrated thinking how badly we have it, and not doing things to get out of the situation… it doesn’t matter what we do, if it’s noble and decent, one of those things is going to work always, sooner or later… but we have to keep trying, searching, fighting, insisting… Life is beautiful and mysterious, and that makes it more interesting… how bored would it be if we had everything in place all the time, everything figure it out, with no difficulties at all… have you ever stop wondering why people who have everything in life, a lot of money and power, get into so much troubles? Drugs, suicides, jail, scandals… etc, is because they are bored to death, many of them have an empty bored life when don’t use what they have with intelligence… check the news, look for biographies, you’ll see what I mean… difficulties makes you appreciate want you have and reach in life… I know I am thankful for mines, it teaches me, I learn, please God, I will keep learning and fighting, and if I get to the place I want in life one day, one of stability and accomplishment, I will be able to value it for how much it took me to get there… if not that, just the hope for a tomorrow makes life worthy of any sacrifice… : )
 
 

I remember when I was a child I spent some vacations with my grandparents in their country home in a small town … I was so tiny and skinny, always shy, always afraid… lol… my grandpa, such a sweet hard working man… he always seated me in his lap after a long day working in the farm and after his shower… I remember to be very close to him, I could feel his smell so nice, and sometimes the hair in his face so hard, haha… he then started to tell me stories I used to love, some real ones and another ones he just invented it for me, just to see me laughing, to see how big I use to open my eyes for the surprise of brave cows and chickens doing crazy things… I loved him so much… I was about 5 or 6 years old when he died… I lived in the capital, two hours from him… I remember like if it was today when the phone ring, and my mother answered it and looked at me… she just looked at me… there was fear and surprise in her eyes… I knew my grandpa was dead… somehow I knew… I started screaming and crying, asking where is my grandpa, what happened to grandpa? I run to my bedroom and just keep crying, and asking… my mother never had to tell me… I knew… he used to take me in his horse, and I always cried afraid that the beautiful animal would bye my legs, one day started to rain when he was taking me for ride, and the horse could smell my fear, and moved his head toward me, I scream very loud! …and he laughed so much because I was afraid of the horse, no matter how much he tried to convince me of the good heart of the noble animal, no way I understood reasons, not me: take me out of the horse, take me out!!! lol… that memory always makes me smile… he was laughing of happiness to be with his granddaughter, and for so much love he felt for me… he died peacefully in his beloved land, between his trees and harvest… in a place very close to his heart, a place he gave life, and then his life… Somebody asked me once, tell me a nice memory of your childhood… I was thinking for a long time, and I couldn’t remember a single happy memory of my infancy… My friend told me you have to have at least one nice memory… And YES I DO, I DO… My dear, sweet, beloved grandpa, the person that most love gave  me ever… no matter how I was, how I behaved, no matter what I said… he just loved me… he is my happy memory!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you grandpa!!! With all my heart!!!!!!!!

Life pass so fast… and usually we live waiting that something different happen as a solution to our problems… and in that wait for our dreams we miss living… we miss simple an important things going on around us… we are more focus in tomorrow and yesterday, than in today… We are more centers in our dreams and expectations, than in the reality around us… We don’t invest too much time in people we “think” are not too special, or too attractive, or rich enough… those people we miss are usually the richest, the deepest, and usually the ones who care about us in more authentic ways … Today I went to work feeling sad and upset, thinking “what it has to do what I am doing professionally with who I am”, I felt lost, I felt lonely and scare… I entered a bathroom at work and cried my frustrations and anger out, and then I realized how selfish I am, and how blessed I am… what about the other people working there the same like me, with the same sad salary, with similar or maybe more difficult conditions, and they are laughing, they are living! You know what I did, I clean my face, and went out to laugh with them, and gave the best of me today… tomorrow… I will figure tomorrow when it comes, if it comes… I am learning… and I hope it never stops…